nicole.
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KHRPF Creator
We're all the same; we all bleed red.
Posts: 15,466
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Age: 26
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Post by nicole. on Jul 19, 2007 21:56:23 GMT -5
Hearing the gravel crunch beneath her feet, Colleen walked through a quiet street of Port Royal. A small rain storm had just passed through the city and everything was wet and covered in mud. The moon was high above the city as Colleen made here way through the street. There was an old pub to her right that seemed to be full of people. The cracked steamy windows in the pub held glowing yellowish gold lights that could barely allow anything to be distinguishable through the glass except for the dark shadows of figures passing back and forth.
Turning her attention away from the pub, Colleen heard gravel crunch once more. However, she did not think that it was her own feet making the noise. Drawing her sword from her side, she awaited whatever was bringing the noise.
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nicole.
Forum Creator
KHRPF Creator
We're all the same; we all bleed red.
Posts: 15,466
Gender: Female
Age: 26
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Post by nicole. on Aug 22, 2007 21:23:51 GMT -5
[Okay, here's my first tip: You have EVERYTHING bunched together. Try spacing things out a bit more. For example, when you start a new paragraph, put a space in between to separate the two paragraphs. That makes it waaay easier to read. If you don't know what I'm talking about here's an example: - He ran towards the stairs and took a look down. It was long and spirally and extended down to the ground that was maybe a 100 feet down he guessed. He didn't care though, he was to excited. He glided down the stairs as though he never touched any of the steps. He hit the bottom and was in a town. The town seemed so cool and inviting to him. ---this is the space I would like to see--- He ran around looking at all the neat place around the town. He felt like he was in something out of an amusement park that had all the worlds he visited mixed into one! ---here's another one--- "Maybe I should look for a pub or something and see if anyone wants to get in a bar fight," Yokashima said to himself. He didn't know why he suddenly wanted to find someone out of the blue. He usually just did it in self defense, but he didn't care, he just ran towards the pub he passed by earlier.
-
Looking around, she had heard a sudden voice come out of nowhere. Who was this guy? He had approached her so quickly; so suddenly that she had drawn her weapons on him.
Two swords had been swiftly pulled from their holsters on her side, the sword's blades sliding against the leather they had been carried in.
'I don't want to hurt you, okay? I'm friendly. I just want to say hi.' Colleen heard him speak these words to her as if he felt he could be trusted. However, Colleen didn't trust just anyone and especially someone who seemed so confident that he could be trusted by another. What was the reasoning behind anyone feeling they can be instantly trusted by another being? Colleen didn't understand it, but she studied the strange male before her intensely.
"You seemed to be pretty certain that I would attack you," Colleen paused for a moment, feeling a small smile lift the corners of her mouth upward. "or, that I would be afraid of you and think you would be my attacker."
Lowering her swords an inch, she continued to study the stranger before her. The pub behind her was loud and almost had an obnoxious feeling to it. Colleen had the impulse to enter the bar and tell them all to shove their rum...well, you get the idea.
Colleen shifted the weight of her foot in the mud. The moonlight cast an eerie glow upon her face as it towered high above Port Royal. She had a feeling that this would turn to be a strange encounter; it already had.
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nicole.
Forum Creator
KHRPF Creator
We're all the same; we all bleed red.
Posts: 15,466
Gender: Female
Age: 26
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Post by nicole. on Aug 22, 2007 22:05:52 GMT -5
[Tip 2 - Make sure that everything is in past tense when you're writing. Make sure that all of the words that can be used in past tense will be in past tense.
Tip 3 - Never put two punctuation marks together like this: !? it's improper. =D ]
Colleen was hesitant to follow him into the pub. Turning to watch him walk away from her and to the bar, she bit her bottom lip softly with her front teeth. If she walked into the bar, it could mean trouble. Then again, anyone who has had Rum in their glass would have been trouble. Sighing, Colleen stepped forward and entered the bar.
As she did so, she could feel mens' eyes fall upon her. It was as if they had never seen a female walk into a pub before. Most of the men here looked like they had been in for a long day of work. Many of them had visible scars upon their faces, while others just looked dirty. Many of the men seemed to be wet as well due to the rain that was falling. As far as Colleen could tell, there were no other women in the pub.
Looking around for the stranger she had encountered outside the pub, Colleen was a little confused as to where he had gone. Eventually, she had noticed that the man in the hooded cloak was the man she was looking for.
'Who wants to get their posterior-end-of-doom kicked for looking at me funny?'
Colleen shook her head for a moment and then proceeded towards him. She put a hand on his shoulder as she approached him and nodded towards his seat. The last thing she wanted to deal with tonight was trouble, especially when it could be avoided.
"Have a seat," Colleen removed her hand from his shoulder. "if you hadn't noticed, they were all looking at me strangely as well. You're not alone."
Colleen took the seat opposite of the male she had met outside the pub. She summoned the bartender and ordered herself a Rum as well. She didn't drink much, but she had decided a rum tonight wouldn't kill her.
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nicole.
Forum Creator
KHRPF Creator
We're all the same; we all bleed red.
Posts: 15,466
Gender: Female
Age: 26
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Post by nicole. on Aug 27, 2007 20:03:42 GMT -5
Colleen watched the stranger as he spoke. He had now revealed to her what he did with his time, but not where he was from nor his true past. He had placed bits and pieces in front of her and she could string a few of those thoughts together. There wasn't anything hidden there though from what Colleen concluded. She wasn't sure if he could be trusted yet. She had after all just met him and plus, he had mentioned that he was an outcast. He must have done something wrong if he was an outcast in his own home land.
'The only problem is, every time I go there, I end up literally looking like a lion.' Looking away from him at this, Colleen smiled. She looked into her mug and lifted the glass to her lips, allowing her smile to fade. The Rum was warm to the touch as she swallowed the liquid. It burnt the back of her throat slightly, due to the fact that she hadn't drunken any alcohol in quite a while - let alone Rum.
Putting her mug down on the table, she grinned at the stranger before her. He still hadn't mentioned his name, nor had she given out hers.
"Yes, I suppose that would be quite a problem wouldn't it?" Colleen allowed her grin to fade into a smaller smile. "Then again, there are other worlds. You don't have to stay in the Pride Lands."
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nicole.
Forum Creator
KHRPF Creator
We're all the same; we all bleed red.
Posts: 15,466
Gender: Female
Age: 26
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Post by nicole. on Aug 28, 2007 17:24:34 GMT -5
[Tip 4 - Use spellcheck. ] Colleen scanned the Pub with her piercing blue eyes. Every single person in this place could be a danger to her, and they probably would be - if given the chance. Colleen's thoughts began to drift off as to what it would be like to stand up next to one of the bigger men here and battle them. She had thoughts in her mind about what would be so different about each person; why they could be so dangerous and the types of powers they had.
'I definitely shouldn't try and drive home tonight.' Looking over at him at this she studied his face. He didn't look any older than thirteen; maybe fourteen at the latest. He didn't look old enough to drive - or drink.
For no reason at all, Colleen continued to listen to him ramble on. She had finally finished a mug of Rum and had decidedly chosen not to continue. Someone needed to be the responsible one here, even if it had to be her for just a moment. It was obvious that the young male before her was becoming intoxicated, but she really paid him not mind. If it came to it she would protect him; but only if he needed the protection she could offer. She didn't want to see someone go down just because they had stepped into the wrong place at the wrong time - intoxicated at that.
Feeling a hand coming close to her, Colleen opened her mouth to speak. He wasn't reaching out to harm her. He had introduced himself as Yokashima.
She reached her own hand out to him for a mere second, grasped his hand in hers, shook once and then eagerly let go. She didn't much favor contact between a complete stranger. She never had.
"My name is Colleen." She said her name with ease and somewhat of a hint of confidence. She didn't want to see arrogant, but she was sure that this was they way she had come across. Then again, the boy was becoming steadily drunk and he probably hadn't noticed all the same.
"Perhaps you should slow down?" Colleen pointed to the Rum in his hands.
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nicole.
Forum Creator
KHRPF Creator
We're all the same; we all bleed red.
Posts: 15,466
Gender: Female
Age: 26
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Post by nicole. on Sept 11, 2007 16:02:45 GMT -5
'Sorry if I sound like some creepy guy after drinking to much.' Smiling, Colleen looked at Yokashima. "You were creepy before you began drinking."
As she spoke Colleen began to wonder why he would want to drink; especially since he seemed so young. Much younger than she even. She was seventeen and even she shouldn't have accepted the glass of Rum. Then again, she wasn't becoming intoxicated like he was. It was apparent that she was holding her liquor extremely well as opposed to him.
'Can you help me out of here.' Before Colleen had had a chance to speak again, he had asked for her help. She couldn't help but be a smart as as she studied him.
"Told you to slow down." Turning away from the mug of Rum she had obtained for herself, Colleen hopped off of her stool and walked over to where Yokashima was seated. "Come on."
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nicole.
Forum Creator
KHRPF Creator
We're all the same; we all bleed red.
Posts: 15,466
Gender: Female
Age: 26
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Post by nicole. on Sept 12, 2007 16:26:40 GMT -5
[The post above actually didn't make too much senese. however!!!!! - that was exactly the type of post I like to see. Descriptive. Now, put that in with your other types of posts and we'd be in business. All you would need to do is post what your character is saying afterwards. Got it?]
Rolling her eyes slightly at the current state that Yokashima was in, she gripped him beneath his arms and began to lug him out of the pub. He wasn't exactly light, but he wasn't exactly heavy either. It was a real pain to drag him out of the pub though with his feet dragging along the floor - this slowed Colleen down tremendously. Still, she continued to pull him out of the pub.
Looking up around the pub, she could see a few eyes wondering over her. The men and women in the pub seemed to be acustomed to this scene, however they acted as if it was the strangest thing in the world. Sighing, Colleen continued to pull him out of the pub.
Once outside, Colleen pushed him against the wall of the pub and brushed her hands off, feeling slightly sore from pulling his weight at that constant speed. She didn't exactly enjoy watching over him like this, but someone had to.
Shaking her head at him, Colleen decided to attempt waking him up. "Yokashima, wake up."
[bleh, crappy post]
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nicole.
Forum Creator
KHRPF Creator
We're all the same; we all bleed red.
Posts: 15,466
Gender: Female
Age: 26
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Post by nicole. on Sept 23, 2007 17:11:04 GMT -5
(Hm, can you change your post a little bit? Its not really making too much sense. Its kind of hard to reply to)
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